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Ive got it now

Drunk post time.

Im lets say a 7.4 You know. im not really good at good byes. The only person I have really lost was a friend of mine who passed away in a car crash when I was 16. This isint really the same...but I had to say goodbye to rai, chris, and soon max. Rai mabey forever, which kinda sucks because she was one of the first people from the ham to acutally build a relationship with me...so I can say she is directrly responsible for me being up here...I miss her already. Chris...I value his advice becahse he has done shit and lived life...he has insights into things that I have no idea about...I am going to miss him terribly. And max....oh many max. I dont know what I am going to do without my Ishakas (lol spelling) drinking buddy...someone who I can talk about who the fuck cares what and have it be legit...warmachine, girls, movies, games...i am going to miss him. Im getting more and more lonely...which oddly is not depressing me as much as i thought it would. Not having a girl to be interested in is just...that. Im not bummed out, not lost in a forest...im just cruisen along getting school in order and working, building warmachiien models, drinking, playing games...the usual. It seems silly to say, but everything seems back to normal...what ever the hell that is. As par for the coruse I have to mention amanda marr in my drunk post, i havent talked to her in quite some time. The time difference kinda sucks. i HO[e im not to hungover in the morning. I want to have good spritis at work. Im trying to pick the store up a little bit...i feel like they need a morale boost. Cassidy has a great attitude, i hope everyone soon picks up her enthusiam. Alright, time to listen to music then sleep.

Great night maxwell...i will not soon forget it.

I Believe in a Thing Called Love

Her name is Bones.


Touching you, touching me.

So, Ive been thinking and talking to my lady.

It helps me sleep, doing my nightly ritual, saying good night to the girls and Aristotle, relaxing before I sleep.

Does karma exist? Does everything that goes right around come back around? Is that really how the world works? Do you spend your childhood in a shitty situation to have a great adult hood? Do you have a great childhood only to end up alone? Do the bullies always get what is coming to them? Am I a bully? How many people that I know secretly dont like me because Ive said somthing mean to them? Specifically this dude Asa at work...see even now I want to call him a scene kid, because thats what he fucking is, he is in a hardcore band, he likes to wear tight jeans and wear his hair half in front of his face, and is a snob when it comes to music. That covers alot of the scene kid bases...but I feel *bad* for calling him a scene kid. From here on, no more scene kids, bros, douchebags, preps, jocks, nerds, geeks, hipsters, metal heads, rivet heads, emo kids, goths, gamers...none of it. People are people god damn it, and I like people, when they arnt being mean or stupid or bigoted. Then how do you describe people if not by the social group they call in? How do people define me? Am I intimidating looking? I dont think so. I hope not. All this time ive spent calling people hipsters and bros, douchebags and scene kids...is that going to come back to me? Has it already? I think its pointless to try and figure it out, but for whatever reason I spent some time today dwelling on that very thing. I dont like that we fall into these catagories, and that the catagories are so hostile to eachother.

There is a calico kitten stray that is living in my apartment complex. I fed her today, just as my mom feeds the strays on our back hill. She let me pet her today as she was eating, she is just skin and bones...i feel so bad. She is probably out there under a bush cold and lonely, with no one to keep her company. Im going to keep putting food out for her and see if I can get her to trust me more.

I must help this kitten.

Night Filled With Longer Hours!

Reflection time? I guess.

I think the theme for 2010 is change. There are many things to say, but basically I remember what happened right after i got back from PAX last year (mainly i got piggy flu), and I remember how I felt, who I was spending my time with, what work was like...and exactily one year later things are much much different. I was 97% sure my life was going in one direction, and it turns out I was driving down the wrong side of the road. Actually I take that back, I still dont know if Im going the correct way on my "life road", but I guess people spend a long time figuring out which way they are supposed to be going.

Ive got two friends at work who have recently become involved with girls they have liked for awhile. At first, I really thought hearing about how awesome these chicks are and how excited they are to go to weddings with them and hang out and spend time and fuck and whatever else it is they do was going to turn me bitter, angry, and sad again. Its actually having the opposite effect. I am incredibly excited for them, so much so it inspired me to write some Haikus on the subject. It feels good to see smiles around me. It makes me smile, to know that my friends, who I care about, are in good places, and have people that make them feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

I have a friend named Jenny Jones (no not the talk show host). She was a part of my high school friends group, until she got her heart broken by a dude named Bunde, then kind of lost her mind. There was an infamous incident where she poured a blueberry smoothie over her head and then threw the remainder at andrew's car because she was so upset...regardless she is better now. She has bad boy luck, i mean the dudes she becomes interested in seem ok at first, but say something like "sorry, I just dont think this is going to pan out". Actually that is a direct quote form the last one. Douche. So we have been talking a lot about the nature of love, and what it really means to be in love. I have come to the conclusion that it is a feeling that cant really be described. You know what it is because if you have ever been in love, it fills yous being, your every thought and movement until you are going to burst from the joy of it, but it is *impossible* to describe that feeling that radiates through you. I think its different for everyone, but each person knows that it feels like to be in love.

I also spoke with Jenny about my second greatest fear. Its possibly elevating to my first as I become older. I am afraid of loosing my memory. I have an irrational fear that when I turn like 35 I wont be able to remember the names of my co workers at round table, or I will no longer be able to remember what my middle school was called, or my first kiss, or what happens in the end of Redwall, or the lyrics to my favorite songs...like the list goes on and on. Ive considered writing everything down, or as much as I can remember, or that is important enough to remember. But that task seems to daunting...i really dont want to forget my friends, my experiences...its really scary. A man much wiser then me once said that I cant live in fear and worry over things that I have no control over. And if I get Alzheimers, then i get it and there is nothing I can do about it.

After not sleeping a wink last night, I am going to sleep a deep, deep sleep. I hope my dreams are good.

The Puzzle Peace Who Lost His Shine

So i decided to change the look of my LJ, which took way way longer then I expected. Only then did I realize that the title of my journal was still "The puzzle piece who lost his shine". I actually laughed out loud, because that has been that way for...wow my first post was November 27th of 2005, so like almost 6 years? Once upon a time, a girl wrote a boy a letter in which she compared life to a puzzle. You spend your life putting together your puzzle, and in the end, you look at your puzzle and see how far you got, or if you completed it. In everyone's puzzle, you have special pieces. Ones that are so rare, so worth keeping, so shiny, that they mean the most...they are the most important. She called me her shiny puzzle piece...and at the time I started my live journal I was heartbroken, lonely, unwanted, not shiny. Which is why my journal was called that. I would have changed it much sooner, but not until tonight did I realize it was still like that.

Im watching the OC, and i hate to say but I actually like it. Its so drama tastic, the characters are kind of too ridiculous for their own good. The good guys are good, the bad guys are bad, the girls are confused, or bitches, take your pick...its all there. I always like things when its not cool to like them anymore...but what the fuck ever. Im too old to care what others think of me.

Time is on its OWN side.

Keegan got an iPad for graduation. Its pretty freaken sweet. His girlfriend is a sweetheart...it bothers me how close they are to God. I know im not supposed to judge others on their religion, because that is the pot calling the kettle black...but they certainly arnt crazy. which i am very very thankful for.

I was reminded today of EXACTLY why i left this god forsaken place. Well one of the reasons at least. Pet peeve of mine...people messing with me physically while I am high. I like a bubble, and if bad touch penetrates my bubble, i get super upset. Good touch is ok. Bad touch is bad. My friends were fucking messing with me so bad today and I WASENT EVEN HIGH, and i got super pissed. Just fuckin around and punching me for no god damn reason, like for hours and hours on end, just fucking with me for no reason. No reason at all. Not to mention the entire time they were trying to get me to do saliva, which I dont want to do. Hallucinogenics can turn really bad really fast, especially if you are in a bad place in your life...so I don't feel that's the best thing for me at this time you know? So the next person to say "hey Lukas, go outside and do saliva RIGHT NOW" I am going to kidney punch them. And then mike did it and fucking collapsed to the ground and couldn't talk...yeah fuck that. I was tired of my friends not giving a fuck about what they were doing do me no matter how many times i said "quit it man". And im still tired of it lol.

Today was not a good day. Hopefully tomorrow is going to be better. I want a warm body to sleep next to so bad.
I havent had that much fun since Round Table Glow. I went out with Laura, Kevin, Tim, Kevin, Miller, and Jordan (?) idk he was tim's friend from the navy. I danced with this chick...she was SO out of my league. Like so out. Short blond hair, bright blue eyes, short shorts and a loose white top...man she was beautiful. Once again, I realize what a different culture this is. I think the northwest is more chill...like they dont collectively care what others think...whereas So Cal very much cares. I feel more comphortable in the Northwest, and i love it. I felt agin so out of place...with all thoes beautifuful people aroudn me...i felt so unwanted i guess. Im too drunk to be posting, but fuck it. People keep asking me if I am happy in Bellingham, and every single time i say yes, incredably. That sort of isint true...hearbreak is very hard. But I am happy. I have a mildly strong will, not as strong as some, but stronger then most. I guess imworking on letting my dreams go...some say you shoudl never let your dreams go, but some are impossible you know? So do you let thoes dreams go? because they hurt so much? We also got into this like 20 minute conversations with these chicks in the parking lot...they were so close to coming home with us, untill Tim fucked it all up...such an asshole. But i suppowse if he was any different he wouldent be my freind. Keegan got laid tonight i think. Which is good. Man these bitches during graduation...kept bring up Jesus. Like fuck them. One acutalyl broke down because "he saved her" or what the fuck ever. If he saved her, why dosent he save the people who deserve it. Why does he pick and choose? Because he, whoever he is, is an asshole. My lady is much better to me. I would rather pay hommage to her then to God. At least she helps me through shit. She has a strange way of doing it. But its comphortaing at the same time. I say pabo today...it made me feel so much better. Somehow his smile lets me know everyhting will be ok, and we made plans for me to come up and hang out...my cousin Laura nad i had a conversation about pabo...it basically came down to "do you know that pabo blazes it?" and me saying " yeah lol" and her saying "lol legit". I would have rather had her in my life more...because part of me believes that older people are wiser, because they have simply expierenced more then I have...which is worth somthing right? styories never had young wise people in them. They always have old wise people. How old doe you have to be to be wuise? Ugh so many red lines...i need to stop typing.

Gin and tonic...why are you so good to me?

Catching signals that sound in the dark

Is the ability to forgive, to let things go, a sign of weakness? I cant say I have really even held a grudge. Does that make me weak? Is it healthy to be angry, and stay angry, for a long time? I mean, I cant even recall if I was ever told that I should or should not hold grudges or forgive...I guess I came to the place where I am on my own. So which is right? To forgive and forget, or to stay angry and bitter? Is the right answer somewhere in between?

I had a good time with my cousins tonight. We sat and drank gin and tonics and played pool...talked about everything. From our messed up family to our expierences since we have last seen eachother...its been like 3 or 4 years since i saw them both together. It was really nice though. I remember when we were camping and Laura was sneaking cigirettes and told me not to tell...i never did. Kevin im pretty sure is gay, Laura is pretty sure too, but he hasent come out yet. Stuff like that takes time i guess...

Then I went out to a bar with my girlfriends Jenny, Ev, and Christin...that was an expierence. Ev just broke up with her boyfriend of a few years and is going through the "I dont wanna be with anyone right now I just wanna party" thing...Jenny follows her around to make sure she dosent do anything stupid, and Christin is kind of aloof to the whole thing, always texting someone. I am constantly amazed by how different everything is here. Now that im 21 and I can go out and stuff, I realize what a different mentality the Northwest has about a lot of stuff. For instance, I havent been to a bar yet that the music wasent overbearing, so overbearing that we had to yell to talk when we were sitting at the same table. I compare it to, say, the grand. The grand is nice and you can sit and chill it with your friends. This place we went was kind of like the grand, except with a loud, bad DJ. Also, who the fuck plays beer pong in a bar? There were like 2 or 3 games going on all at once at one point...and the bros...oh the bros. I was the only one in the entire bar with facial hair. It was funny...i felt so out of place in my green overcoat and red fang shirt. I guess its just one more reason not to be here.

From Hoboken to L.A.

Man I had a good drive this evening. On my way back from Oxnard, driving an abandoned freeway, with nothing but Against Me! and the concrete lights to keep me company...it felt like running through the rain.

I dont miss this place. I miss a very few people, but the rest, i can do without. This dosent even feel like my house anymore...all the light switches seem too low, i cant walk through it in the dark anymore without tripping over furniture, my bed is far far to small for me. I wanted something different, and I got it. And what Ive got now I wouldn't trade for the world.

Madison tried to pull some bullshit today, and Julie actually backed me up and told Madison to knock off the bullshit. Colten is Colten, and always will be. I enjoy talking to Grandma, because she always listens to what I have to say and always has a smile on her face.

I met JT's girlfriend today, and Keegans as well. Danielle (jts) is super legit. I had the most fun playing Egyptian Rat Fucker that i have ever had in my entire life. They are good for each other, and i get no bad vibes from her AT ALL. It may be because she was in comfortable company, but she wasn't shy or anything, and you know me meeting new people...we got into good talks and stories of days passed...Keegans girlfriend Candace I only got to very briefly say hi to before they had to leave. I will get to know her better the next time i see her, but she seems legit as well.


this time, i mean, the last time i was drunk on livejournal was pretty long winded. Im pretty sure I talked about fucking amanda marr. But this time its shorter. Like this short. I dont really have anything to say excpet that I had a great time for St patricks day, altho it wasent what I expected, i had a ton of fun.

That is all. Time to sleep and wake up feeling like crap.

Good night everyone :)

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